Release Me

I took you to the place we met and I let you go. I released you into the wind, the bushes and the trees. Today, I watched you fly away, and I hope you are a happy soul. It was so windy and I didn't linger long but I did enjoy the memories and said a prayer for you.

It just seemed so wrong to keep you in the car like that.  And, for so long, too! Now maybe my car will stop breaking down all the time.  I hope you like the place I chose, the place we met, for it released me too. And, I'm sorry it couldn't be in Santa Cruz.  Maybe next life! But, knowing your spirit and all, I just knew I had to set you free.  In the meantime you are free to fly through the air and swirl and twirl any ole way the wind blows. You would like that.  I bet you do like that.  And, we will meet again, my lover, my heart and my soul.  It was just our time and what a time it was, eh?  Next time, we will make some major changes in our decision making processes, though.  You should have let me be in charge all those years, but, no, it had to be your way.  (I'm smiling) Anyway, the next time it won't be so hard.  We learned a lot about difficulties and just think, if we do it right next time, we will have mucho grande time together instead of a mere 16 years.

If you can see the cabin here, I know you love it. Yeah, you would approve. But I won't be here forever.  You know me.  I move about freely.  Maybe not as unencumbered as you are now but close. We always did travel light.

Now, about releases...you have to promise to release me and move on to your new adventure and let me experience mine.  No more bad juju on my ride and stop with the late night visits but thanks for the pennies and the feathers.  I do enjoy those for sure.

So enjoy the newest leg of your journey and I will see you again someday.  I know, I know, "not if you see me first.",  "Write when you get work" and, "I will love you til the cows come home and the wheels fall off."  Well I don't see any horns and the wheels are still rolling.

Passionately Speaking

"What is your passion?"  "Live your passion."  "Do what you love for that is your passion."  I read these words at least 50 times a day and I so wish I could live my passion.  To travel this great country and use my camera to create beauty and memories.  To write about my travels, the people I meet, the places I see.  This is my passion.  Oh, wait!  I've been there and done that.

Not too long ago I lived my passion but was too unenlightened to realize I was living my passion!  Now that's living with blinders on.  Doesn't everyone jump in their car with less than a thousand dollars in their pocket and a dog to feed to travel across country in a car with 180,000 miles on it?  Of course the trip took me 4 months of working in order to make it back to my home base but what a wonderful adventure it turned out to be.

Passion, it's all over the internet.  I'm not the only one who wants a tiny home base, a nice car and a pocketful of cash in order to live my passion.

But in the meantime I need to make my present my passion.  I need to live in this moment of unbelievable confinement.  No, it's not a prison as some poor folks know a real prison but I feel confined being in this city.

There was a time when I found beauty all around me.  Beauty in the mundane as some would tell me.  I feel at times that I am losing this spark and need some inspiration.

I want to feel passionate about cooking and cleaning and walking the dogs.  I want to feel passionate about living in a city I detest.  Maybe I am passionate about this because I am still here.  After all I have the love of my oldest child and my only grandson and that should be enough to make me feel passion about my life everyday.  Shouldn't it?  Passionately speaking I mean.....

I may have just found it.

I Like That

I like your face.  I like the lines around your mouth. And I like the lines around your eyes when you crack a smile or laugh out loud.  I especially like your hairline.  I don't know where but I heard that that type of hairline indicates great intelligence.  I also like that about you. Your great intelligence.  Yes, I like that.

Oh, and your sense of humor.  I like the way you laugh out loud at my jokes and how later in the day I see your shoulders shaking with laughter and I know you are remembering the joke I told you earlier. I really like that.

I like that I can talk to you and you don't jump to fix whatever is bothering me. I like that you seem to know that sometimes I just need you to listen and agree with me when life has handed me a dirty and sometimes imaginary deal. And yet I like the way you bait my hook like I am too feminine to do it even though you know I can do it my own damn self.  I really like that.

I like that you can do anything you set your mind to.  Things that are hard and complicated for others seem to come easy for you and yet you still love things like puppies and kitties. You like the simple things in life and I really like that.

I like that you like me.  I like that you like your mother and your brother and your children. I like even better how much they like you.  They can see beyond the love they have for you and see what a likable person you really are.  I like that too.

I like the way you touch my hair and stroke my face and look into my eyes like you are drowning.  And I like the way you let me touch your hair and stroke your face while I am drowning in your eyes.

But, then again, what's not to like.

Ashes To Ashes

I flew all the way to Santa Cruz to pick him up.  Or I should say to retrieve his ashes.  He wanted to be scattered in Monterrey Bay.  I couldn't afford it.  Who knew that you can't just go down to the beach and scatter someone?

He was born there and he died there and he wanted to stay there.  He is now in an urn in my car.

He goes everywhere with me.  Just like when he was a living breathing human being.  I often wonder if he would be mad or if he understands why he is trapped in my car.

I know he would understand why I don't bring him in and display him proudly on the mantel.  He would probably laugh about it all.

He loved a road trip as much as I do and I will take him home someday. Just not yet.

It goes to show that some things really never do change.  I didn't know what to do with him then and I don't know what to do with him now.

Dust to dust.

Moving Right Along

The past is a great place to visit.  You can look back in your rear view mirror and see where you stepped off the incline and tumbled down the hill. But, it will trap you if you stay too long.  It will wrap it's tentacles around you and try to keep you so move along quickly.

It will try to give you pennies for your thoughts when they are worth so much more. It will cloud your vision of things to come and color your world with dark colors.

If you are going to go there try to walk on the bright side because there was a bright side. Remember the good times and don't forget to set your clock to be an observant visitor but nothing more. "They" say, "Time heals all wounds."  Believe them because it is true.

So many cliches turn out to be true when you look back.

Yes, the past is a great place to visit and a great teacher but don't stay too long.

Moving right along.

If It Will It Will

Have you ever just wanted to change someone's way of thinking about you and how they see you?  Have you ever wanted to fit that round peg into that square hole?  Have you ever wanted to make the sun shine when it was clearly raining outside?  Have you ever wanted to turn back the hands of time only to wish you were further down the road with your enlightenment? Well surely you must get my point by now.

I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to change things in my life.  Why not just make the right decisions in the first place you might ask but we all know that hindsight is 20/20.  I have a lot of regrets and all I can do is keep trudging forward and hope and pray that things will eventually work out.  If it will it will.

And if it won't it won't.

And that's all I've got to say about that.  For now.

Long Legs Itchy Feet

I was born breech.  That is to say I tried to be born breech.  It was the middle of the fifties in the middle of the twentieth century and they wouldn't let me be born breech.  After 27 hours of intense labor on my mother's part, they changed it and turned me around. It seems this set the tone for my life. Someone's always trying to change me and turn me around and I've always wanted to hit the floor running. I can't control it anymore than I can control the tide.  I never wanted to.

These long legs and itchy feet have caused countless problems in my life.  I could never be still for long.  It's like I had too many lives to live in one lifetime.  How can this be?

If I could, I would gather up everyone I know and put them in a gypsy wagon and take them with me.  It doesn't matter that I can't because no one really wants to go anyway. Everyone I know is happy where they have planted themselves. How can this be?  I have these long legs and itchy feet and can't be still in one place for longer than a year or two. Again, I ask myself, how can this be?

It's not that I don't want to stay or maybe it is but it seems that I can't stay. Circumstances and life choices seem to pull me in different directions.  Most of the time I don't even know where I am going or where my choices will take me. But I get so excited just waiting to see my new directions. Someday and someday soon I truly hope my direction will take me home.  I know it's out there somewhere and these long legs and itchy feet will take me there.

You are probably thinking that I am not happy where I am.  Nothing could be further from the truth at this point in time.  I am very happy and hope to stay where I am for awhile to come.  It really has nothing to do with being happy where I am or not being happy where I am.

It's these long legs and itchy feet.

I Didn't Know

If I had only known that the decisions my immature pretending to be mature brain would make when I was 17 would change the whole course of my life, I would never have made them.

If I had only known that day 20 years ago if I put my toes on that first rung of that Greyhound bus's ladder that I would not see your sweet faces again for 16 years, I would not have touched it.

If I had only known that my love for one person would change the feelings for me of those around me, I would never have loved him.

But I didn't know.